Summer 2023

It was by now the middle of summer. I’m a suntanner girl all the way! The yard was all done. I started taking Nobu on long walks through the park, and when I wasn’t, I was either suntanning in my yard or taking a blanket and my music over to the park and tanning on the hill. Nature was calling me!

Chillin’ in the park

This little cutie Alysha, who I had met during the last stretch of doing lashes, she kept in touch with me. She was checking in on me. She even showed up at the hospital with an entire pizza from Fresca—girl after my own heart.

Sometime in early June, she invited me to the rooftop pool. I remember that day explicitly because I know I was not in my right head, but I was trying to be, and I was where I wanted to be. Alysha was aware I wasn’t myself, that I was fragile. I could tell by the way she doted on me. I was doing what I normally do—lounging around, sun tanning, drinking, and dipping in and out of the pool, having myself a good ol’ time from what I can remember. Again, I was there, but I wasn’t.

Alysha

I had made an appointment with the optometrist because my vision had completely changed from when I went into my surgery and when I came out. I went in with the ability to see faces clearly, and when I came out, faces were all blurry, still are. Before the surgery, I could chop an onion and do simple things without glasses, but now I need my glasses all the time, for every little fucking thing! The optometrist told me my eyes had changed. He gave me a new prescription and I bought new glasses. This had to be one of the most annoying things for me and still is! I’m asking everybody I see at every appointment—the cardiologist, my family doctor, whoever would listen or might have an inkling about the eye situation. Is it normal? Have you ever heard of that before? People who have heart surgery coming out with their vision slightly impaired? Nobody had heard of that. Everybody looked at me like I had three heads. So whatever happened, had happened, but something fucking happened because I now need to wear glasses all the time! That part of my life changed forever. Never take for granted your eyesight—never. A quick glance is no more it’s a horrible thing to have to get used to—I’m still not used to it!

For the next few weeks after the withdrawal, I was still on the Zoloft. I fully felt like it wasn’t working for me. I was aware that drinking with an SSRI isn’t a good combination or a good idea. However, when I wasn’t drinking, I was still having serious night terrors. Wicked images!

I wasn’t normal, trying to pretend I was normal, but I wasn’t and I didn’t feel normal. Now that I was off the heavies, I was looking into the Zoloft. I wanted to get off the Zoloft, so after the withdrawals and going through that, I now had some information. My family doctor and I discussed it and I weaned off the Zoloft. There were no hard-hitting withdrawals. My doctor asked me if I wanted to try a different SSRI—Wellbutrin but I wasn’t trying to hear it.

I eventually I started having symptoms. Heart issues. They kept asking me all those years since 2008 if I had shortness of breath, palpitations, dizziness, low blood pressure. I never had any of it. Surgery is done and now I’m having them, and they’re freaking me the fuck out! I’m alone, its just me and my Mexican jumping bean. I had an appointment to see my family doctor the next day after I was tripping. I feel like this was August the appointment was set for a Monday morning. I just said “fuck it.” I’m going straight to my heart home, Toronto General Hospital.” 7-8 am I was there!

TGH

They took me in quickly. I was in and out of there in probably two hours! They did a CT scan, took my blood and ran an IV right away. Bloodwork came back normal, scan looked okay. It would appear that my body was just getting used to the trauma it had experienced and it was going to take a while a fucking year to fully adjust to my modified heart. This healing process was rough! All kinds of things were happening to me—one right after the other and the next one more scarier that the last! TGH is my heart home and I’m so grateful for that! They are just lovely there—very compassionate and gentle.

I was alone and I didn’t know what to think. I also wasn’t in my right mind. I was freaked the fuck out experiencing those symptoms and with my heart bouncing around like it was. The logical thing for me to do was go to ER. If I had called anywhere and described what I was experiencing—they would’ve sent me there anyway so I just went.

After getting the OK from the hospital—I went home and continued living my normal life.

Don Valley Suites

I was out and about—day trips to local pools, hotel pools, restaurants here and there, cottages—I was living my best life! All the while I was unknowingly in a fucking delirium.