ICU Psychosis
Ironically enough, I have a childhood friend, Stacy who works in the cardiac ICU at Toronto General Hospital. We reconnected some years ago on Facebook and when I got rid of my Facebook account, we still kept the communication going via Instagram. Once I knew I had to have the surgery I reached out to her and we discussed the surgeon as well as his remarkable reputation. She was consoling, she also told me she would be there or that one of her friends would be there for me the day of my surgery and that I would be in good hands and just hearing that from her was a huge comfort for me. When I went into the operating room all I could think about was Stacy, being there on the other side when I woke up and how fucking lucky I am to have her! That this is where she works and she’s got my back at the most rawest time of my fucking life! She had let the surgeon and the other nurses know that we were childhood friends. They had let me know she spoke with them, during those last few moments before I went under. The one nurse that I remember the most, told me she worked with Stacy and that she was expecting me. She made me feel as comfortable as I possibly could’ve been in that moment, she even popped on a Nicki Manaj song for me right before they dropped the anesthetic! But ya, I was laying there fucking terrified still! I also knew that they had to tape my eyes shut so I asked her to please try to not to rip out my lashes with the tape?! Whether I survived or not, I just had my lashes done and I wanted them to remain on dead or alive! She was like “I got you!” And she had me! When I woke up my lashes were in tact!
Several hours later I awoke… all fucked up! Everything was all blurry, my eyes couldn’t focus. I was in the ICU now and Stacy was there, holding my hand telling me that I was going to be OK!
Then all of the sudden I remember everybody freaking out and moving around me real quick or maybe it was just me freaking out? I don’t know, but my right lung had collapsed and they had to put a tube through the wall of my chest to fix it. It all happened so fast but I remember enough to know that they were sticking a tube through the outside wall of my chest into my lung and I vividly remember freaking out and saying “you cant put that in me! I have fucking implants you’re gonna fucking break it!” I was tripping! Stacy, while holding my hand reassured me that everything was going to be OK, that there was actually a Thoracic Surgeon right there on hand and that I was lucky to have a pro because when something like this happens whoever is around gets the job done. The tube went in. I just remember holding Stacy’s hand and my eyes still not being able to fully focus.
Next thing I remember is seeing Trent and my cousin Jen, I was still in the ICU. The visit was short. I had all these tubes and things going on in my chest and neck. The tube in my neck went into my artery, the one tube into my lung and there were these super thin, tiny awkward ECG, battery like wires threaded into my chest, not stuck on my the wall of chest with a sticky, those were also there, but these wires were different, weird! There were also two drains coming out from the bottom of my rib cage. I’m still wasted, my head was all foggy and hazy. That night, I remember waking up to this nurse over me, who didn’t seem to care for me much at all! She was side eyeing me! I felt extremely unsafe… all tubed up, afraid to move. I yelled out to this guy, a nurse I could see rolling back-and-forth in a chair… “Don’t let that woman near me … something ain’t right with her! Don’t let her anywhere near me!” I know now that this was an episode of what they call “ICU Psychosis.” I highly doubt that there was a nurse in the ICU trying to kill me, but in that moment, in my head, I thought this woman was out to get me and I made it fucking clear that didn’t want her anywhere near me! The nurse in the chair said “I gotcha, don’t worry everything’s ok, you’re safe.” But I could still see this woman in the distance giving me the evil eye!
The next day I was in my room no longer in the ICU. I remember seeing my friend Richard, he was standing in the doorway of my room holding flowers. Like, the very next morning he was there, the first person to show up and he was holding a box of flowers. I fucking lost it! I was like “What are you doing here! Why are you here?! What the fuck! Please go away! Get out please, just go! He told me that if I needed anything, anything at all, that he was just around the corner and then left. I was utterly embarrassed that he saw me like that!
I had already applied for disability right before I went into surgery when I was trying to get my affairs in order. Trent had taken the papers to my doctor, got them filled out, brought them back for me to sign, which I did that day and he sent them off. Trent was my saving grace throughout all of this mess, I don’t know what I would have done without him! I thank God every single day for him.
That same day I told Trent to get the spare key back from Kayla. I was fucking paranoid, my mind was gone and after the way she was towards me, I wasn’t comfortable with her having a key.
Trent is in the Canadian Armed Forces and he was set to go away for the summer. He actually should have already been away, but he got a delayed start time because I was having the surgery. He did ask me if I needed him to stay longer as he could have and I said no, go. I did not want to hold him back or interfere, especially with his livelihood. I woke up from this chaos and I assumed everything would’ve been just fine. I needed him to go, I thought I would only be laying around healing anyway so no need to interrupt his summer, his life, just because mine was. And I was embarrassed! Because of what happened to me, ashamed, I didn’t want him looking at me like that…everything was all fucked up now.
