Big Bag—Part 1

My appointment with my cardiologist was between Christmas and New Year’s 2022. During that time a change was taking place at Big Bag a new manager came on board and was taking over and by taking over I mean taking the fuck over! She came on sometime in December, she was a small, unkempt, grunty, big-little thing. I was one of the top sellers, I sold the shit out of that store so I really didn’t pay her any mind.

She sure as fuck had her eye on me though! It started with her one evening asking me to mop the floor. I was like OK, where's the mop and what do I use? As I had never mopped the floor there before. I was hired to sell and that’s what I did. I did however mop the floors that evening and I guess it wasn’t up to her standards and the fact that I had never mopped the floors in the store before was astounding to her. She wasn’t quite ready to come for me directly just yet, instead she spoke to the manager who hired me, who was now the assistant manager as when this new manager came on board she got demoted. She told her that I had an attitude problem or some shit like that and that my mopping skills weren’t up to par. I got pulled out of the store for a discussion with the assistant manager to discuss my behavior, basically she was told to give me a talking to and she did. Her and I had a great rapport right from the start. She saw my strengths right away and put me in the appropriate position to utilize them…and it wasn’t mopping floors! She had expressed to me that the shift in Big Bag that was taking place is going to be different for me and everyone else going forward with the new manager. A manager who didn’t care at all about anyone’s strengths, she wanted everyone to do everything equally and in my opinion she was exerting control unnecessarily.

That was the start, the start of the shit show that was about to come or at least at the time, I thought that was the start not realizing until later down the road that what was to come had actually been brewing since August or quite possibly ever since I was a kid. Big Bag just pacified me until it didn’t.

This grunty little manager saw me as a threat, the way I flowed effortlessly in that store with the customers and the other employees. I also have a “take no shit” type of demeanor and she was all about the shit! Grunty started campaigning to make my life at Big Bag miserable! I knew what was she was doing but I really didn’t give two fucks! I was just told that I needed surgery…open heart surgery with a one year recovery period for fuck sakes not some little quickie noninvasive procedure. I had bigger things on my mind like what the fuck is going to happen to me? What will I do for money? What about my fucking implants? My clients, and hugely will I even survive this surgery and if I do survive what the fuck is life for me going to be like afterwards?! A million things were constantly spinning through my head.

In January 2023 I decided to separate from the salon. I was solely working at Big Bag and my shifts were now down to 1-2 per week. I never mentioned anything to Big Bag about my condition, why would I? I knew this too was also coming to an end, I just didn’t know how it was going to play out.

By this time the manager who hired me, now the assistant manager, had mentally checked out. She was about to bounce and to be honest, I was surprised she toughed it out for as long as she did. After 8 years of managing one of their prime locations, she was blatantly insulted in front of her staff and all around in general. I’m sure that being replaced by an unprofessional, unkempt, grunty woman (who apparently only got the job because she was friends with the regional manager, which made total sense because she wasn’t a good fit for Big Bag or any other designer brand for that matter) was embarrassing for her. I felt for her and once she checked out mentally so did my morale for that company.

I came in one evening for my “4 hour” shift. I had gone from 30-40 hours a week to 4. I asked my coworkers if their shifts were also being cut and found out they were not. However, Grunty started hiring new employees, international students that were here on a work visa who saw their retail position at Big Bag as a privilege. They were completely unaware of the labor laws that were in place and that their human rights in the workplace were totally being violated. The majority of employees were already quietly seeking employment elsewhere due to her shit management style and complete disregard for basic human rights. This was her intention all along, to clear the board and start fresh with unassuming newcomers, young people who didn’t know any better or weren’t in any position to challenge her. I was not new and she knew that, but what she didn't know was how hard I could go! I piped up that day and asked her in a very smiley, casual, disarming voice “how come I’m only getting 4 hours a week…what’s going on?” I specifically asked in such a way because of my demeanor. Intimidated people love labeling me a ”bully” meanwhile if you knew me you would know that I am actually the complete opposite. She gave me the quick answer and said it was because of my availability…bullshit. My sweet little voice gave her an in, she amped up and said that legally she only has to give me 4 hours a week “so that’s what you’ll get!” I’m thinking… this bitch! Here we fucking go!

I left it alone. This bitch was cleaning house and she was pushing for me to leave on my own accord and that wasn’t fucking happening, I would not allow her the satisfaction!

I came in for my next shift, Grunty and the newly appointed assistant manager bombarded me! They took me into a room for an impromptu “performance review” that lasted over an hour within ear shot of my coworkers. I was completely disrespected to say the least! All kinds of misconduct, discrimination and in-appropriation took place during that “review” for example, shit like her asking me rhetorical questions like why am I asking for more hours when I make $200 for one set of lashes!! WTF!? She then started revealing to me one of my coworkers' finances and telling me her personal and confidential circumstances surrounding them and that she needs the hours more than I do. Shit she had no right or business telling me or anyone else for that matter. 

That bitch was getting off on demeaning me and I just sat there, blank faced, contemplating if I should punch her in her fucking face or just walk out!? I did neither. I sat there and took it. All the while my brain was zooming in on her words and how hard she was coming for me by violating my human rights. I was thinking to myself this bitch has no fucking clue who she is dealing with, this ain’t my first rodeo! I have been dealing with assholes just like her my entire life! Meanwhile in the back of my mind… I’ve got bigger fish to fry! I was prepping for fucking heart surgery, doing all of these tests and mentally trying to get a grip on the fact that my chest was going to be cracked open, that this was really really fucking happening! 

This is a classic case of “be mindful of how you treat others, because you never know what one’s going through.”

The next day there was a “team outing” at a restaurant, some sort of employee appreciation bullshit dinner. After what had happened the night before during my shift I was torn, contemplating if I should go or not. Honestly, I was in process overload mode during that time. A few of the girls had messaged me and wanted to connect at a bar beforehand, so I decided to go. Over the past 7 months of working there, a few of us had gotten to know each other pretty well and we all had a common dislike for Grunty so we got together beforehand and naturally we all discussed the multiple violations individually that were taking place at Big Bag with this new manager. We arrived at the dinner wayyy late. I could hear Grunty hissing from across the room! The girls and I took lots of pictures, we made it fun. It actually ended up being a fun night and it was also the last time I saw any of them.

Later that night March 5th, 2022, it was a Sunday, I fucking lost it! Grunty was the straw that broke the camel’s back! My daughter was at my place when I got home and I just lost it! I completely broke down! Everything that had happened to me in my younger years; the sexual abuse, the rapes, the violence and the constant rejection from my father…I had left home when I was 14 years old and lived a rather risque lifestyle throughout my teens and 20's. A lifestyle that did not always align with the law and all of it came bursting out of me that night, I was crying hysterically! I was having a full on mental breakdown right in front of my daughter. I could only imagine what was going on in her mind as she watched me, her mother in that state. All of the things, things that I've never acknowledged, never thought about and never once ever even talked about…all came to a head! I was 18 when I had my daughter, Kayla and I imagine that this is when I started stuffing shit down, shit that I now know to be trauma. I had a rough life as a teen but I had a kid now, so fuck whatever had happened to me, it didn’t matter! Nothing mattered anymore, everything was all about her now. Her arrival gave me hope and a shitload of determination! My number one priority was to provide for her and full steam straight ahead, that's what I did! All that shit that I had stuffed way down into a deep, dark bin over the years, stuff I’ve never dealt with or even thought about in decades had erupted. My past was coming for me and it was now vividly staring me in the face!

Kayla left that night and it would be well over a year before I’d lay eyes on her again. It was by far the longest time she and I had ever been apart.